Stop Fighting

One of the lessons I'm learning is to stop fighting.

Stop pushing back.

Stop complaining.

Stop resisting whatever is happening.

This sounds simple. It isn't. At least not for me.

There is a tremendous amount of energy tied up in resistance - energy we create wishing something were different, complaining about it, dreading it, or actively trying to avoid it. I got to thinking about this because I recently observed myself resisting something that was inevitable.

I was invited to participate in a group that most would have considered an honor, but not me. My first reaction wasn't excitement. It was dread. I didn't want to go. I complained about it to my husband and my mom (thank you both for listening).

I thought about how much time it would take. I anticipated how exhausting it would be.

I decided to go - it was one of those things you can't say no to. And, in my full on resistance, I decided how I would approach it.

I'd show up.

I'd observe.

I'd keep my head down.

I wouldn't say anything unless called upon.

I wasn't going to be difficult or disengaged. I just wasn't going to get overly involved because I just didn't want to be there - LOL

As the event got closer, I started noticing that I was fighting the experience. I was resisting it. As I observed my thoughts and I paid attention to the feeling that I had in my body, I noticed that I felt tight. Constricted. Small. Tired.

"This is what resistance feels like," I thought.

And suddenly, I had a choice. I could continue resisting something that makes me feel small, or I could let go of the resistance.

On the way to the event, I made a conscious decision:

I'm going to stop complaining.

I'm going to stop dreading this.

I'm going to be open to whatever this experience has to offer.

That's it.

I didn't suddenly become excited.

I didn't convince myself that I was going to have the best time ever.

I simply made a conscious decision to stop fighting it.

And when I did, somewhere along the way, my perspective changed. What I had initially experienced as an obligation began to feel like an honor. I had been invited because someone believed my perspective mattered. And once I stopped fighting the fact that I was there, I was able to actually experience what was being offered to me.

This lesson is similar to what I'm learning from Stoicism, except the Stoics don't simply say, stop fighting. They suggested something much more radical:

Move toward the obstacle because the obstacle is the way.

"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way." Marcus Aurelius [Meditations (Book 5, Section 20)]

It's saying:

This is what is happening.

I don't have to love it.

I don't have to agree with it.

But I can stop wasting energy wishing it were different.

And I can ask: What can I do with what is?

This is where "stop fighting" connects deeply to purpose.

Purpose isn't about creating a life where everything goes the way we want it to. It isn't about eliminating discomfort, inconvenience, disappointment, or uncertainty.

Living a life of purpose is about taking responsibility for our mindset and the energy we carry around with us. It's learning how to remain connected to what matters, even when life isn't cooperating with our plans.

I have a long way to go with my mastery of the "stop fighting" skill. I know this because my natural response is not yet acceptance. But, I am getting better at noticing when I resist and that progress makes me really proud.